The love bugs are here. And I don't just mean the couple snuggling in a corner booth - I mean the buzzing Florida natives who emerge each spring and fly in swarms, inflicting their mating rituals on the general population.
Can you say get a room?
My first love bug experience occurred a year ago while vacationing in Captiva. Mom and I were blissfully unaware when we booked our trip that it was also the same time that the massive love fest of bugs would be taking place. Note to self: don't plan a beach vacation at the end of April on the Florida Gulf coast. This year we aren't vacationing. I'm a resident now, which means I will have to get used to this bi-yearly occurrence. I think I have found the first downside to living here. Who would have thought love would be on the cons side of the list?
These love bugs are relentless. They fly around in swarms, attached at the butt. Thank goodness I don't have kids, I wouldn't want to have to explain what the two naughty bugs are up to. I'm betting children in Florida get the birds and bees talk earlier then the average American kid. They should call it the "Love bug talk." Someone could write a sex-talk book all based around this natural phenomenon. Another idea to boost some individual's economy. I hope someone is taking notes and taking me up on all these great ideas. They come at no charge. Take advantage of this golden opportunity.
In the book they could even talk about PDA (public displays of affection). Love bugs are the perfect example of this annoying behavior. This could help kids learn that PDA is not appreciated, just as bugs landing on you while sun bathing is not appreciated. This could cut down on the overly lovey couples that seem to fill every grocery store, shopping mall, restaurant and, especially, movie theater. It can become nauseating. This new sex education style could ward off the behavior before it ever happens.
Think of how much society would benefit!
PDA is really over the top. Couples can't keep their hands off each other. I've seen couples out at restaurants that practically pounced on each other across the table. Don't worry, they weren't angry, just desperate to get some lip action. One couple in particular started on opposite sides of a booth fit for two. That didn't last long. Within about five minutes the girl had migrated across the table and was engaged in some serious lip locking and touchy-feely behavior with her boy toy.
Cute? Not so much.
At least the restaurant displays are contained to a single table. The same cannot be said for couples walking through the mall. As they walk they link arms around each others waste and then comes the classic move that makes me cringe - the boy puts his hand in the girls rear butt pocket.
Seriously? And, also, why??
This one bugs me like a love bug landing on my lunch. Why do couples feel the need to walk around in public this way? I can't imagine that is is comfortable. If one of the two walk out of sync it could be disastrous. And what if her butt pocket is really, really small? The man's hand could get stuck in there! Have these overly affectionate couples considered this? What an awkward trip to the emergency room. "Sir, how did this happen?"... "I was just trying to show the love."
If that is love then I'll happily do without. I walk quite fine without anyone's hand in my back pocket, thank you very much.
I decided to further investigate the acceptable parameters of PDA. I'm not an expert in the matter. Askmen.com has all the expertise.
What I learned is that there are three pillars of PDA. These are, according to Askmen.com, the basics. Interesting. I had no idea they had PDA down to such a science!
Pillar number one is hand holding. According to the article this is acceptable. I agree with the men. If you want to grab your lady's hand, go for it! Link arms for all I care. But don't link butts. Leave that to the love bugs.
Pillar number two is kissing. They say it is okay to kiss as a greeting but the buck stops there. Again, I agree with the men on this one. Ladies want some welcoming lovin' and I can respect that.
Pillar number three is declarations of love/invasions of private space. I'm picturing Romeo and Juliet kind of behavior here. Maybe a little Rapunzel letting down her hair from a tower. Hey Prince, did you think that maybe someone might be sleeping in the castle? Watch your voice. Gees, men in love have no respect! Thankfully Askmen.com agrees. Do not declare your undying affection in public. Keep it for the private, intimate moments. So, pretty much, avoid jumbo screen announcements and the flying banners on the back of planes. Good to know. Pet names and babying are also on the list of no-nos.
And eureka! There is a whole paragraph on "space invasion", aka hand-in-butt-pocket walking! This is "tacky". Well, that's an understatement. Is the man afraid his lady friend is going to run away if he lets go? This is the equivalent of a leash on a toddler. I would like to revise Askmen.com to call "space invasion" unacceptable. Too bad they don't let readers revise the articles, Wikipedia style.
Then we get to, umm, lets call it "butt smack" because I have standards that keep me from using profanity. Men apparently do not, at least on this website. They say that this behavior is acceptable. Huh? Men need to stop watching so much football. All of that butt slapping fun has gotten them a little confused. I don't want to see a man smack a woman's butt for so many reasons. One of which being the jiggle that follows. Butt jiggle isn't attractive. So men, do your ladies (and the general public) a favor, and save the butt smack for the comfort of your own home, if you must.
In the end, asking men has taught me that "public lovin'" is just a part of livin' in a relationship.
Next, I'm going to ask the Duggars.
I'm betting that Jim-Bob would highly disapprove of the butt-smack.