Eight years without a menstrual cycle.
Eight years of infertility.
Eight years post menopause.
And I'm only twenty six, almost twenty seven, years old.
According to human logic and medical science, my reproductive system is as good as dead. That determination was hinted at in the very first year I lost my womanly flow. By year five doctors stopped hinting around my bleak child-bearing future. The fact of infertility was stated as plainly as "The sky is blue." No emotion. No consolation. No hope for a different future.
I remember laying on the table in the gynecologist's office when she flatly stated that I demonstrated all of the signs and symptoms of premature menopause. The night sweats, the lack of a cycle for years, my hormones and my physical condition all led to the same conclusion. My body's reproductive system had skipped decades. Now the deed was done and my ability to bear children, over.
I asked her if this could be reversed. She told me no, that this is a permanent condition. Once the die is cast there is no going back.
Her response wasn't surprising. Upon further investigation her understanding of the reproductive system and its charted course is the standard in the medical world. Even the Mayo Clinic doesn't hold out hope for premature menopausal women. All they have to offer are experimental fertility treatments with discouraging success rates. Doctors focus instead on the risks of wasting bones and coping with emotional instability. In other words, just manage it. Fill this prescription. See this therapist. Check back in six months. But don't get your hopes up.
I left that appointment under a cloud of defeatism, never to return again. I wasn't willing to come to their conclusion. I decided right then and there to choose a different conclusion: hope and trust God to determine the future of my fertility.
Now it has been seven years since I lost my reproductive functioning and the cycle hasn't returned and, quite frankly, there is not a shred of evidence that it ever will. Still, I have hope. I still have faith that God can work a miracle if He so chooses. I still believe that God is in control of the inter-workings of my body. Without a shadow of a doubt I know that God has the power and ability to intercede on behalf of my reproductive system. He can, at any moment, step in and change the course of my fertility future.
The trust and confidence I have in God does not conform to the logic of medicine. What I know about God is not written up in medical journals. The assurance I have is not based on testing and doesn't rest on a diagnosis. The solid rock on which my faith stands is rooted in the Almighty God.
Flow or no flow. Cycle or no cycle. Evidence or no evidence. I trust God. I trust Him with my fertility. I trust Him with my future. I trust God, my truly great Physician.