Thursday, July 18, 2013

What are you looking at?

I am so tired of the way people view me...the looks they give...the staring...the gawking.... I can't seem to go out in public without encountering some kind of visual attack. I am seen as an alien, a foreign being rarely found in nature, or TJ Maxx in today's case.
I was walking through the aisles, minding my own shopping, when I started feeling a pair of eyes on me. Do you know the feeling? I can't explain it, you just know when you're in the presence of someone watching you. And wow, was this girl ever watching me - like a hawk. Her jaw was partly dropped and her head - actually her whole body - turned to watched me as I walked down the aisle. She was giving me a look of utter disgust. My heart started to beat faster; the tension was unbearably awkward. I wanted to run out of the store but that would have been even more awkward, plus I still wanted to shop.
I cut my time in TJ Maxx short, it was the only way to escape the following eyes. Whenever I was in the general area of this onlooker she continued to blatantly follow me with her eyes. She was thoughtless, rude and careless...but she's not the only one. Unfortunately, she's not alone in her inappropriate behavior. This is a common phenomenon.
I am either viewed as an alien or I'm simply invisible. My condition has produced both responses quite frequently. This pattern is getting old. I either receive the gawking, jaw dropped stares like the girl in TJ Maxx or I practically get run over by the people who don't even seem to notice that I exist. It is funny how some people see my condition immediately and can't seem to look away while others could walk right over me and not even know it. This is a paradox I could have never expected. And quite frankly, I'm beyond sick of it.
I'm sick and tired of being an enigma that no one can understand and no one cares to understand. No one truly cares what is causing me to look this way and no one takes the time to even start a conversation with me. To them, my inside is probably just as baffling as my outside (or just as troubled for all those who think I'm disordered). To girls I'm an anorexic. To guys I don't exist and if I do exist then I shouldn't be approached with a ten foot pole (the disordered thing again).
I've had enough of being stuck in this condition that brings about all of these feelings from the outside world. I want people to look at me and not see weight. I want a guy to look at me and find me attractive. I'm 23 years old, this is a natural desire! Who, at any age but especially in their 20's, wants to be looked at as if they were a bug under a microscope? Scientists aren't taking in-depth observations into those little insects because they are just so darn cute! No, they are looking at them because they are fascinating due to their odd and strange construction and appearance. This is not how a single girl wants to be viewed.
My inner feelings are thrashing about, begging God to let me break out of this body and out of this condition. Enough already! I've had enough of having to deal with all the baggage that comes with this weight. Haven't I endured enough? Will people please just stop staring at me!
I know I just need to hang on a little while longer. God is healing me. He is giving me weight. He is going to change the way people look at me. But not just yet. I'm still on the road. There is still learning and growing to be done.
I feel like I've grown enough but God knows that is just laughable. I'm still very much on the road to who I will become. My journey is far from over.
Today I learned that you can't run away from the condescending and judgmental eyes of the world. You can't run away from situations simply because they are uncomfortable. All you can do is keep on keeping on. You can't change how other people will react to you. And you can't control the actions and circumstances of the world around you. All you have is your reaction. That's it. How will you respond to the negativity that threatens to crush your spirit? With every pair of staring eyes I am reminded that my happiness and joy can't come from outside forces, it has to come from God.
This isn't an easy lesson to learn. God has been repeating it to me over and over again throughout the course of these past 3 years. He knew I wouldn't get it on the first time through. I wish I were a quicker learner, maybe this whole ordeal would be over. But these lessons are far too important to skim over. They take time to truly understand and implement with consistency. God is making sure that I am given that time. And when he's ready for me to learn something new he'll change the numbers of the scale, the weight on these bones and the stares from the world around me.

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