It's time to be honest...brutally honest.
Lucky for you (or maybe not so lucky), brutal honesty is one of my strong suits. Well, at least that's what a ninth grade teacher told me. He said I was, "...brutally honest and although that was good it might get me in trouble someday."
I hope today isn't that day because I'm about to indulge my brutally honest inner self and reveal to you the difficulties, struggles and, thankfully, triumphs of my recent days.
My ex-finance is getting married...today. (And yes I'm aware that he very well could stumble upon this post someday. I'll take that chance.)
He's getting married today to a girl who seems to be a wonderful match for him. Honestly, I'm happy for both of them. Those aren't just empty words. I mean them. I want him to be happy. He is not a bad guy. He just isn't the right guy for me and , if we had married, it would have been a struggle. I couldn't see that when I said, "yes" to a marriage proposal on the beach but I can see that now. We might have stuck out a marriage for the sake of keeping a vow but I don't think it would have been the union we were hoping for.
Since our breakup my ex-fiance found another girl to date, fall in love with, propose to and now, today, marry. From what I can tell the woman he is about to marry is much better suited to him then I could have ever been. The pictures of them playing paintball together are proof. I was never going to be playing paintball. Bless the woman who does, but it just isn't for me. Thankfully for Mr. Ex, he found the woman who would dawn heavy, combat style gear with him and shoot balls of multi-colored paint in the woods. Till death do them part.
So you see, I understand and recongnize that entering into a marriage with my ex would not have been in my best interest - or his. Or his new bride's for that matter. They were meant for each other. We, on the other hand, were not.
So today should be no big deal, right? He's marrying the right woman. I was spared from a difficult marriage and possible legal proceedings.
Today should be easy. But it's not. And here's why: I'm still alone.
Oh come on, you had to have known that was coming, right? My lonely laments have given away the pleading of my heart. I want a companion! I want someone to want to get to know me! I want it so badly that it is my number one personal request prayer to God. It is borderline (or not so on the border) begging. Send me someone...please! And soon!
It has been so long since I've had a single male interest in me that I've begun to believe that there simply is no "right guy" for me out there. In fact, I'm starting to believe there is not even a single date or casual get together out there for me. My loneliness feels perpetual and, at times, hopelessly permanent.
On days like today the sting of being alone is extra excruciating. I want to be genuinely joyful for the blessing of companionship that others are feeling but my happy thoughts are stuck under a cloud of my own singleness. My desire to have what they have - albeit with someone else - keeps me from fully entering into a state of joy on their behalf.
Deep inside me there is a twinge of resentment and jealousy that I know is straight form the pit of hell. I don't want to give in to its dangerous, lustful trap yet I have tripped again and let my wandering eye take control. As a result my heart has grown discontent and my joy has tanked.
The internal struggle to break free from this lust and sin was raging inside of me this morning in the pitch black, early hours of the day. I was losing my battle until the sun started to come up.
There, right outside of my kitchen window, I saw a pink sky begin to creep up above the rooftops in my neighborhood. It was a brilliant pink unlike any I've seen before. There was no yellow or orange or blue. It was a pure pink sky as far as my eye could see.
Suddenly I was overcome with the brillance of God and His creation. Not only His creation of nature but His creation of me and my life and even my circumstances. They are not an accident, they are beautifully created by the artistic hand of God. He paints the sky with the same care and eye as He designs my life.
If He can make the sky so beautiful why couldn't He do the same with my life?
The truth is, He is doing something beautiful with my life. Right now the canvas He's painting with my days hasn't included marriage or companionship. Maybe it never will. But my life doesn't need an "I do" or a dinner date to be something beautiful. Beauty can come in all different colors and patterns - some include matrimony and others do not. What is important is who creates the design. If God is the one painting the canvas and stitching together the fabric of my life then it is indeed going to be brilliantly beautiful.
This morning I hope that my ex-fiance's bride woke up and caught a glimpse of a beautiful sunrise. Because the beauty of life is for her, too, and I want a blessed, blissful marriage for her and her new husband.
So, in case he or she ever come across this post I hope they know this: My prayers for a blessed union and lifelong friendship go out to them. I genuinely hope that the journey they travel together is one of peace, joy and an abundance of Christ-like love. Happy wedding day... and live happily ever after!