Friday, October 3, 2014

It's not about me

It has been a while since I've posted on Pippy Love. Most of my time spent writing and posting has been on Baking on the Fritz where I have been regularly chronicling my life in the kitchen and my life post multiple sclerosis diagnosis. Most of those posts have a recipe and a lesson learned while baking a particular treat. God has been using the kitchen as a classroom to further mold me into a woman after His own heart. (Trust me, I have quite a ways to go).
So much of what God has been revealing to me and teaching me has been coming from my experiences (failures and successes) in the kitchen. It is as if when I put on my apron God is saying, "Oh, okay, so you're here to learn now, aren't you?" I never knew there were so many life lessons in flour and sugar. I never knew that failed baked goods could provide such spiritual growth. But God knew and He planted in me this desire to bake and in turn has used it as a way to continue the work He has been doing on my heart.
But not every lesson that I've been learning has come while wearing an apron. Some lessons come without a list of ingredients and a preheated oven. Take, for instance, this morning.
This morning, for whatever reason, I was struck by an intense and overwhelming sense of loneliness. It was as if someone hit me with a bat. All of a sudden I was down and out, depressed and utterly lonely.
Immediately I began to cry out to God with the question, "Why?"..."Why are you allowing me to be alone for so long? Don't you know how lonely I am?"
My lament to God took place at the kitchen sink as I stood at the window and looked out into the front yard. I didn't even want to see the world clearly so I took off my glasses. Seeing the world in blurry bunches of color gave me the sense that I was able to somehow escape its reality. It was my way of crawling into an isolated cocoon.
It was there, standing paralyzed in my kitchen in a state of pathetic self-pity that God came knocking at the door of my heart and mind. He didn't speak with audible words but His truth came kindly and rationally to me, like a Father lovingly disciplining a child. God started to discipline my heart's attitude.
The thoughts and words flooded over me and it was as if He said, "Don't you know this isn't all about you?"
At that moment I was overwhelmed and humiliated by own selfishness. There I was, consumed by my own pitiful depressive state and God had to remind me that loneliness is nothing compared to eternal separation from Him. I needed to be reminded, even after all these years under His teaching that my life isn't all about me.
God reprimanded my heart and redirected my attitude. I put my glasses back on and realigned my spirit's posture. In those moments I heard a little word from God, almost like a pep-talk and it went something like this, "This life isn't all about you. We have bigger fish to fry. There are people out there perishing who don't know me. They aren't saved. They are going to spend eternity in separation from me. You are alone and true that isn't enjoyable for you but the souls of people are on the line. That is bigger than your loneliness. That is a more pressing need. If you are consumed with your loneliness than you can't focus on the really big problem. That is the problem of lost souls. If you want to help me in the mission to save them then you can't be so concerned about your lonely heart. That can't even be on the radar screen. I need your focus to be on helping spread my word of salvation. I'll be blunt, that's more important then you wanting a companion."
Dear Reader, I won't claim to you that I've now closed the book on my loneliness and that I will never spend another moment of my life lamenting my singleness or my lack of companionship. I'm too flawed too claim such victory. But I can tell you this, I will continue to heed the discipline of my Father God. When I fall into a state of overwhelming loneliness I will cry out to Him and let Him kindly guide me back to His ultimate purpose in my life. It isn't for me to have a love interest or to be surrounded by friends. His ultimate purpose for me is to use me in furthering His kingdom. That is my life's work. That's why I was created. I was created to spread the salvation that is only found in Jesus Christ's death on a cross. He came to set the sinner free by the blood He shed on Calvary. My loneliness is such small potatoes compared to that eternal truth. My loneliness doesn't even make a ripple in the ocean of importance when compared to the souls of sinners. Their salvation is of utmost importance and God wants to use me in His mission to save them.
I have the great privilege and honor of being a soldier in the Lord's army. But to be an effective fighter I must be focused on the battle. I must cast my loneliness aside so I can be fully engaged in the fight to spread the word and truth of salvation. That's what this life is all about. And it isn't about me.

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