Do I have a future? Some days it is so hard to trust that there will be a life beyond what I'm living right now. It is taking all of my faith, and then some, just to believe that God is going to do something with me that will be of value. Right now, I couldn't feel further from that. Right now, I feel like a waste. What is my purpose? Why am I even here? These thoughts keep plaguing me and crushing my spirit. I don't have a job. I'm not enrolled in school. I don't have a life dedicated to volunteering. I'm not taking care of children. What is it that I am doing? What am I accomplishing? When I logically look at my life and my circumstances I know that my health has backed me into this situation. But why? Why did this happen to me? I almost never question it. I almost never raise this question at all. I usually just take it all in stride. I usually figure that God gives everyone a different lot in life and why not give me this? Why should I be spared difficulty?
But some times I succumb to the "why me?" mantra. I know it isn't right. I know I should trust God more than this. Yet, I give in. Depression overwhelms me and I quit fighting against it. I willing let a dark cloud settle over me.
I've watched my life be reduced to so little - and more than just a little weight. There is so little that I do with myself and that I accomplish. Each day I wake up - for what? What is the purpose? It wouldn't make a difference if I never got out of bed. I used to fall asleep each night thinking about my future and dreaming of the aspirations and hopes I had. Now I almost never think of those things. Yesterday, for the first time in months, I thought about the dream of working in DC that I used to have. But my mind didn't stay there long. My thoughts have once again slipped back to the day-to-day, unknown, uncertainty that is my reality.
I feel cheated. Other people my age are out in the world working towards something. Maybe they are only working for the next pay check or maybe they are studying for a degree - but most are putting an effort into something and seeing a result. I'm so discouraged that I can't even imagine being in their position, yet what they have I want too. I want to be in school. But right now, I can't do anything but pray that I get healthy. And right now, that feels like a stretch.
I wish I had a resounding resolution that would make all of this ranting better...but I don't. All I have is the aching pain of discouragement and a heavy weight that is crushing my spirit. I want it to go away. I know it isn't of God to feel this way. These are the tricks and tactics of the devil. He wants me to feel hopeless - he gets his kicks off this sort of thing. I don't want him to get any pleasure out of me though.
Enough wallowing in my own sorrow. I'm going for a walk.
When in doubt, walk it off.