Balloons the 3rd

Dreams represented as deflated balloons trapped in the limbs of trees is an odd life metaphor but it is the one God gave me so of course, it's the one that's stuck.

According to the archives of Pippy Love, my first balloon encounter occurred on February 7, 2017. On that special day a tangled mess of deflated balloons trapped in the limbs of a tree delivered a special message and a big thumbs up meant just for me: It's time to take up dreaming again.
And dreaming is precisely what I've been up to ever since. I reclaimed my dreams of old and even started forming new ones. Without skipping a beat, my past champion dreamer skill set returned as naturally as riding a bicycle
The very first dream to return was one that I had completely let go: my dream of full health. When I gave up all hope on that particular dream I didn't even turn around to watch it fly away. But then I caught a glimpse of the balloons in the tree and viola! The dream of full health returned.
Next came the dream of a full, vibrant life with a bright future. This dream had never died entirely but it was so close to breathing its last that it troubled me. I had to search for my dream's pulse. It was nearing its last breath but the balloons brought it back to life with a miraculous recovery. The moment my eyes caught the sight of the shiny balloons new life was breathed into my precious dream. In an  instant the dream came back to life and, I am happy to report, has been breathing strong and steady ever since.
Over the next few days and weeks that followed my first balloon encounter dreams came flooding back like a damn broke open. Dreams for love. Dreams of a career. Dreams of a ministry or two or three. I even began dreaming glorious thoughts of God healing my body with His mighty touch.
My dreams returned at all times of day and night. Before the balloons I had slept through the night rarely recalling a single dream but with the balloons came a blessedly disrupted REM sleep cycle. One night I envisioned myself in a grand ballgown, standing on a ship set out to sea. In another dream I saw a field of flowers so magnificent that only heaven's glory could rival the beauty of the scene.
As you can imagine, I've started looking bit more closely at trees, scanning the limbs for a stray dreams - I mean balloons - to claim as my own. And today I saw another one, although not like any other I'd ever seen. Today I saw a deflated balloon in the middle of a forest, laying among the sticks, dirt and moss of a wooded trail. I looked at that balloon and I knew it in an instant: that balloon is mine. The balloon had once been trapped in a tree but its time had come to break free from the limbs, and fall back down to earth. In the balloon I saw the fulfillment of a dream. I saw one of my balloons fall from the sky and gently fall back into my life.
But which dream was it?
I starred long and hard at the balloon trying to discern the particular dream that had once filled the air inside, the air that was now filling my lungs and my life. The balloon gave me no hints or clues. Even now, after pondering the balloon, its blue color and its wooded location, I have not a single indication of the dream it contained. The big reveal is still yet to come.

So, friends, mark this day down in your calendar: June 9, 2017, a special day in my history. It is the day the first of my balloon filled dreams reached its fulfillment. The first of many beautiful dreams to come.
Some day, maybe even some day soon, I know that I will be back at this keyboard sharing with you the ending of that particular balloon's story.  I promise to record the sweet, dreamy details of how the dream comes true.
And until then, stay tuned, because I know God isn't done showing up in dream filled balloons.

In the tunnel

I've ended up in a tunnel. It is deep and dark and I have no idea how I'll ever get out. I can't see anything. Not a door, not an emergency exit, not a single blinking arrow and, sadly, no big red "call" button.

I have become obsessed with getting out of this tunnel. Everything in me screams, "escape this darkness." I want to break free. I want to live in the light.

At first I glance behind me and wonder if I should turn back. Maybe if I could go back to the beginning I could exit this tunnel the same way in which I entered but behind me is utter darkness. A black hole. I shutter at the thought of being on that stretch of the tunnel. I remember walking in that pitch black. I could see nothing, not even my hand in front of my face let alone an exit door.

But this part of the tunnel isn't  as dark. It can't be because here I can see my hand. It's outline is faint  but it is my hand and the sight of it has given me hope. If I can just keep moving forward, away from the blackness behind me, I can get more of this glorious light and if I can find more light then maybe I can find my way out.

I begin to move away from the darkness behind me. Slowly and carefully at first. My vision is still so limited I fear I could easily trip and fall so I am deliberate with my steps. I gently feel my way forward, seeing only the outline of what lies before me. But the outline is enough to keep me moving ahead.

Traveling towards the light is the only hope I have. Going back to the darkness would take me to a fate of sure doom but before me, following this light, I have hope for freedom.

I am still in this tunnel. I haven't made it to the exit yet but I am full of hope because the light in front of me is getting brighter. More and more details are coming into view. It is glorious just to think that there is something more to see than the outline of my hands.

The light up ahead is my hope. It is my purpose. Following the light is what keeps me from collapsing in this tunnel and giving up my search for an exit. So I will keep pursuing the light because one day it will set me free.

A Springboard to Success

I know what you must think when you read my posts. "She sounds so depressed... She sounds sad and lonely... This poor girl is so full of sorrow... She must be utterly beaten down..."
I can't fault you for thinking any such thoughts. Before I became the writer of these posts and the voice telling these stories I would have shared the same thoughts as you. Before my body and spirit knew the feelings of illness and physical helplessness I would have reacted with feelings of sympathy and pity. I might have even taken it a step further in my mind and asked what kind of life God was giving the girl writing the posts? Why would God let someone suffer? Is there no healing and victory in such a life?
Before I became the girl writing these posts I would have confused her sadness with defeat but now I know better. Now I know the truth about sadness.
To be sad is to be down, but it isn't to be out. Sadness never needs to be the end of the story. If given the chance, a step into sadness can actually be the springboard for spiritual success.
Allow me to explain...

Before Jesus went to the cross He went to the garden and He prayed. In His prayer, knowing full well His death warrant was already out and His crucifixion was imminent, Jesus asked God to relieve Him of His upcoming duty to be murdered. If you think my blog posts are sad, imagine how utterly depressing God's prayer must have sounded! Commentators of the Bible refer to that particular prayer as "Agony in the Garden."
At the end of His prayer Jesus left His fate in God's hands. "Not my will but yours." (Matthew 26:36-45). And we know how the story goes. God's will was indeed for Jesus to die in order to be the Savior of sinners.
At the foot of the cross as Jesus died, witnesses wept. They displayed sadness because of their loss. They couldn't see anything but ultimate defeat.
But remember what I said about sadness? This is where we see it in action as a springboard for spiritual success.
Three days later the most glorious, magnificent, splendid springboard sent our Savior up from the grave. Talk about spiritual success! Jesus took the ultimate sadness of death and transformed it into the ultimate joy of eternal life. Jesus wrote the book on turning sadness into gladness. He took the cruelest, surest defeat on earth and turned it into the greatest victory this world will ever know.

If you read words of sadness and feel pangs of pity when you read these posts, double check to make sure you've reached the end because in the end, because of Jesus, there is always victory. He won the ultimate victory and shares it with me every time I seek His intervention in my struggles. When I seek His help, He takes my sadness and uses it to tend to my spirit.
I know sadness, depression and sorrow but that is never where my stories end. There is always success and it is found in my Savior. He always comes near to me in my sadness with a springboard to renew me with His Spirit. Because of Jesus, there is always life at the end of my story.

The girl in the picture

The girl in the picture wore a smile as bright as the sun and eyes that twinkled like stars. Her skin was touched with that flawless, end of summer glow. Her strong cheek bones were kissed with a rosy pink and a faint dusting of freckles. Her long, flowing hair framed her face in silky streaks of gleaming golden hues.
The girl in the picture was full of life and hope for the future. Her eyes glittered with dreams of adventure and excitement. Her big smile welcomed new experiences and dared to confront new challenges. Her zest for life leapt from the printed page.
The girl in the picture was so young and naive. She couldn't see failures or disappointments up ahead. Her eyes couldn't possibly imagine images of darkness or depression. Her smile didn't anticipate future pain and suffering.

The girl in the picture used to be me. I was the girl in the senior graduation picture looking ahead to a bright and exciting future. I was the girl who put her hopes in a fresh start away at college. I was the girl with big, vivid dreams. I was the girl who believed she could conquer anything and would.
I was the girl who couldn't predict a future of missed life milestones and dashed dreams. I was the girl who had no understanding of how deep the river of loneliness or trying the road marked with trials.
I was the girl who couldn't imagine sickness and disease and knew nothing of physical suffering or spiritual sorrow.

When I was that girl in the picture I didn't know the true magnitude of the goodness of God. I had yet to experience the depth of God's forgiveness and how truly extravagant His grace. I couldn't even begin to comprehend the Lord's mercy or how desperately I needed it. The girl I was in that picture didn't understand the definition of surrender or the freedom that comes from it. In that picture I was lost and didn't know I still needed to be found.

Nine years later I'm not the same smiling, glowing, starry-eyed senior I was in that picture. With the passage of time I have grown older and less naive, but I am still full of hope. On my journey of life I have become intimately acquainted with the pain of disappointment and the sorrow of suffering, but I still dream of a bright future. Over the years I have been marred by disease and illness, yet I continue to welcome new challenges and face new giants.


God has transformed me, the girl in the picture.
And He isn't finished yet.

"I do"

 

At the alter of the Lord I pledged my heart and said "I do." 

It wasn't an "I do" planned months in advance. There were no "Save the Dates," guest lists or seating charts. I didn't wear white or carry a bouquet down an isle draped in petals. There was not a single note of music to accompany the ceremony. 

This "I do" came to pass organically, born out of pain and offered up through tears. 

At the foot of Christ's alter I said "I do" trust God with my future. With forever and always in view, I affirmed my devotion to the Lord and vowed to stay committed for eternity.

Before a heavenly host of witnesses I said "I do" to remaining faithful in every season of life and through every storm. 

"I do" to steadfastly believing in God's goodness whether I be in sorrow or filled with joy. 

"I do" to having unwavering faith in God's provision whether I be rich or poor.

"I do" to having full confidence in God's plan no matter how abundant the health or long, brutal and devastating the disease. 

With words offered in the midst of weeping I pledged to remain forever true to God. I reaffirmed the unity we share and recommitted my life to following His will. 

On the alter of devotion I laid down my plans and preconceived notions I had

for my life. I vowed to faithfully follow God into the future, wherever His path may lead.

In a dress dyed white in surrender, carrying a bouquet full of hopes, I met my Lord at the alter and said "I do" to loving Him forever, trusting Him completely and living for Him fully. 

Happy Anniversary

On June 3, 2017 I set out for my daily walk on my routine route. Three blocks to the east; two blocks to the south; three blocks to the west; ending with two blocks to the north. With my square complete I would end up back at home.
It was there, at block ten, that I descended a small hill and sent my gaze up through the green, leafy limbs of a mighty oak tree. Its branches stretched high into the telephone wires, creating a canopy of shade for me below. In the limbs of the tree, high up near the top, my eyes caught a familiar sight: trapped party balloons.
At the very sight of the balloons a question flashed across my mind's eye like a neon sign in the dark of night: Remember the dream you released six years ago?
Six years ago...that delicate, precious, beautiful dream...oh yes, of course I remember...how could I ever forget it?
On this day six years ago I released one of my most precious dreams. I let go of the dream filled balloon holding my hopes for love and marriage.
For years I had grown to cherish that balloon. In my imaginations and longings I had crafted a beautiful future built on my heart's deep desire for life long companionship. I had dreams of my life with one special person by my side forever. But all at once that balloon full of dreams lost its air. A called off engagement punctured my balloon, leaving gaping holes. A relationship in ruins ravaged my dreams. My dream became a pathetic, lifeless balloon.
It was on June third six years ago today, the eve of my non-wedding, that I surveyed my damaged dreams filled with pain and loss and decided to release them. In my heart I knew I needed to let go and let God have my most precious dream.
Today, on the anniversary of that fateful night, God delivered a much needed message to remind me that He was there to catch my dreams six years ago and He has never let them go. Through the ups, downs, lows and highs of the past six years God has never loosened His grip on my dreams. He has never, not even for a moment, forgotten my balloons filled with love, companionship and marriage. All these many years God has held my delicate dreams in His hands and treasured my hopes in His heart because they are precious in his sight.
In the trees God assured me that He is not only the lover of my soul, He is the protector and keeper of my dreams. In His tender compassion and care God reminded me to, "Look up and see, your dreams are all here."

My Forever Man

He smiled and the world lit up around his eyes. His gaze met mine and that's all it took. I was a goner; captivated by the handsome gentleman standing before me at the post office self-weighing machine.
Enchantment can occur in the most unusual places and it rarely comes with warning. One moment you're on a mission to purchase forever stamps and the next your face-to-face with a far more significant forever: your forever man.
I hadn't walked into the post office thinking about romance or weddings or love in any shape or form. My thoughts were simply, "get stamps to mail the stack of envelopes that should have been mailed yesterday." Then he looked at me and suddenly stamps seemed irrelevant.
Being a gentleman, he stepped aside and offered me the first crack at the self-check out machine. As is so often the case at self-check out, the machine didn't want to read my credit card. He sympathized since his first transaction had suffered the same fate. We exchanged a few pleasantries as I tried another card and confirmed for us both that the machine was working. It spit out my stamps and sent me on my way.
I grabbed my two books of forever stamps and reluctantly made my way to the door. I didn't want to leave without his name and preferably his number, but reality called. I couldn't stand there and stare with puppy dog eyes, willing him with the longing in my heart to fall head over heels in love with me after a four sentence exchange about stamp machines and postage problems. Only I am that crazy.
As I made my way through the glass doors I heard his voice call out to me. For a brief moment I thought maybe the inconceivable was about to come true... My life is about to become the stuff of romantic comedies and Nicholas Sparks novels. This handsome, striking man is about to ask for my name and number. We are about to fall in love and life happily ever after!
If it were possible to have all of those thoughts in the time it takes to shift weight from left to right and swing one's head around to look back, well then I had every one of those thoughts. But a moment later reality hit.
"You forgot your receipt!"
I'm not one to typically take the post office receipts but for the chance to catch one last glimpse of those glittery eyes I took a few steps back and retrieved it from his outstretched hand. And that was it. My meeting with my forever man was over. I lingered for a few extra minutes in the car before exiting the parking lot, holding onto a thin, completely irrational, string of hope that maybe the mystery post office customer would come running from the building to catch me before I left.
But no.
I left without his name or number. I left with only two books of forever stamps.

I know what you must be thinking, "Where's the happy ending?" "What kind of love story is this?" The truth is that this story is one of real life and, hold tight, because it does have a happy ending.

As I drove back home the real reality of love struck me as brilliantly and beautifully as the mystery man's smile in the post office. God's love smiled on me and reassured me with the words of a promise. "Be patient, my dear, I am protecting a prize for you!"
Somewhere out there God has hand picked someone for me to love. He may be the mystery man in the post office or maybe I just haven't met him yet. The details of my forever man are still a surprise yet to be revealed.
This much I know for sure, that God hasn't forgotten to save me a keeper. He hasn't ruled out romance for my future. God is perfecting, pruning and protecting for me a prize of a gentleman.

When God brings my forever man and I together our eyes will meet and the world around us will light up. Our gazes will meet and at once everything will change. When the time is right, when the man is right and when I am right, I will be swept off my feet by God's choice for my forever man.